You Killed It Man... In The Bad Way... Like Murder...

So here I sit, in my bedroom with the door wide open, listening to my roommate practice the 5 songs he knows on the Guitar. He is practicing because tonight he is taking some chick to the beach for a bonfire and he promised her he'd play guitar for her...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I BEG YOU, DO NOT DO THIS FOR HER.

I am sitting here cringing/laughing my ass off at how... hm how do I put this politely... how "OFF" he sounds. The first song he played is Oasis: Wonderwall. From what I believe this is the most basic song to learn on the guitar. Now I'll admit I do not play the guitar nor have I ever tried, but I do know what good music sounds like. He is KILLING the song, and no not in the good, "Man you killed that!" way, in the "Dude, you're killing/murdering that song."
First his voice is not up to par. By any means. I'd say he's about 64% tone deaf and his guitar skills aren't where they should be if you are trying to impress a girl with your skills. If I were this girl, on this date, I don't know what I would do with myself. I'd probably laugh since that is the most obvious reaction, since I would be unable to lie and tell him "you sound great."
Oh great now he's playing Hotel California by The Eagles. Come on buddy, the rhythm of the song is faster than what you are playing. Oops hit a wrong note there, scratch that hit a whole wrong verse. Ah now more singing. Yep still tone deaf. The best part of that song was the end... literally.

I have high hopes for this kid, he's a great guy, but hey... really, I don't advise you to do this for her if you want to get in her pants.

We Haven't Talked In So Long... Because I Did You Wrong

So I woke up bright and early this morning with the above song stuck in my head. This song was not stuck in my head for one hour, we're going on 7 hours now. I would like to thank Stefan Abingdon for causing this pain. Atleast I enjoy the song.
Last night I went on a "date." I didn't consider it a date, but my roommates did. His name was Joe, I met him the other night when I went out with roommate Jeff and his friends. I went over to his house (which by the way is absolutely disgustingly dirty it pained me to sit down) and we chilled and had a couple of beers.
First things first, this kid is "different." Not in a bad way, hes just "special" as Jeff called him. Joe and his roommates do not own a TV, so that made it awkward since we pretty much were forced into talking and listening to the Grateful Dead for 2 hours. I was not interesed in Joe really, but I was being nice so I hung out with him. After a while of nonsense talking, out of NO WHERE, Joe decides to say,

"I'm really attracted to you, do you want to take this to the bedroom."

UM. WHAT?! What does one do in this situation? I'll tell you what I did, I laughed. Really fucking hard. Because 1- AWKWAAAARD and 2- funniest thing ever in life. Of course I had to inform him that he just made things really awkward and I had to try to give him a semi normal answer that didn't crush his little heart. I told him since we just met lets get to know eachother a little bit and then take it from there. I feel as though that was a legit and normal response to his graceless comment. He then felt it necessary to tell me that the other night when we first met, "just talking to me turned him on and he wanted to get freaky with me but Jeff came back and ruined everything for him." At that moment I was done. The laughter was non stop. Now the laughter turned into a "awkward situation laugh." I quickly finished my beer and left his house, and immediately called my friend Casey dying of laughter and told her the story.
She said this was the story of my life. I concur.

When I got home, I informed my roommates of the craziness that occurred so we opened up a bottle of wine... or 7... literally. After a night of drinking and eating Michelle's delicious dinner that she cooked for us, our conversation some how evolved into a bet. This bet is called the Sex Off. The first rule of Sex Off is you don't talk about Sex Off. (Fight Club reference anyone... anyone?) This Sex Off is for me and Jeff and pretty much the bet is to see who can get laid more within a one month time period.
Of course there are rules for this Sex Off:
1.) (Like I said) The first rule of Sex Off is you don't talk about Sex Off
2.) The hook up must be verified by a 3rd party, whether it's a picture or... other verification.
3.) The person must be a contact after April 20th, in other words, they have to be complete strangers to make it fair.
4.) Cougars Count.
5.) They must be legal (Jeff put this one up there for me because he said we have teenaged neighbors and they are off limits... and they can't be illegal immigrants from Mexico)
6.) Bet ends May 20th.
7.) Loser streaks up and down our street.

Everyone seems to think that I will win this bet being that I am of the Female gender. I disagree with all of them. I don't normally find guys at bars and go home with them in the same night. Guess I'm gonna have to change my ways to win this competition. I have a few tricks up my sleeve to help my numbers ;)

San Diego Beach: Vanilla Ice, Pigeons and Naples, Italy

Considering I do not have a job and have pretty much nothing to do with my life at the current moment, I went to the beach today. I sure do love the fact that I moved to San Diego, CA about 2 weeks ago, and I now live less than 10 minutes to the beach. The weather was perfect today, clear blue sky, warm enough, but with a slight breeze to keep me from dying of heat in the sun.
First off, I swear I saw Vanilla Ice playing horse shoes with an old hippy who was flying an American flag nice and high next to his "tent" he made out of huge beach umbrellas. I don't really think it was Vanilla Ice, but I like to pretend it was because he was one hell of a look alike.

So while laying on the beach, just listening to my iPod and enjoying the sun, I open my eyes to notice about 7 Pigeons scavenging for food all around me. Pigeons?! At the beach?! How the hell did these mutated pigeons escape from the concrete jungle (New York City incase you didn't catch that) and end up in beautiful sunny San Diego? This made me so mad. Pigeons are the most disgusting creatures you can come in contact with, plus they are annoying as fuck when they're searching in the sand for crumbs of food and are coming all around my towel and then swarming my head when my eyes are closed. Luckily one of "Vanilla Ice's" friends noticed the pigeons about to attack me (not really) and ran at them to scare them off. I thanked him for his effort but then those damn birds soon came back, so for the rest of the time I was at the beach, I could not relax because I kept panicing thinking that the pigeons were going to attack me.

My last rant about the beach/sun is this: My Italian Heritage. Yes, I am Italian. Quite Italian at that. My last name is literally "mountain" in Italian and my family is from Naples. It pisses me off that although I am strongly Italian, my "Napoli, Italian" heritage fucks up my life. Not really, I say that in the sense that my Welsh/Polish ancestory takes over my life causing me to have light hair, be extremely fair skinned, and have freckles that come out in the sun. I do not like freckles. Although mine fade shortly after I exit the sun, my face is over come with them while in the sun, my arms also. It makes me angry that although I am Italian I am unable to get a nice "olive" tan from being in the sun, instead I need to wear sunscreen every time I am laying in the sun or else I will get severely sun burnt all because of the fucking fair skinned Pollocks and Welsh fuckers. DAMN YOU Italian heritage for hiding inside of me and not showing your beautiful olive skinned self, and for all the Welsh and Polish people for causing my fair skinned life of hell.

The Yankees played Mastui Wrong

Many of you may not know who Hiedki Matsui is if you are not a baseball fan. Well in that case I'll tell you about him. Matsui was the NY Yankees MVP in the 2009 World Series. He is amazing and my favorite baseball player EVER. But the Yankees, my all time favorite team, decided to be IDIOTS and traded Matsui to the LA Angels. How on Earth could you possibly do that? Matsui is the best DH (designated hitter) in the league, was the MVP in the World Series with 3 home runs and 8 RBIs, AND has the nickname Godzilla! Plus the Yank's new DH Nick Johnson is so fucking horrible it disgusts me to watch him at bat since he can't hit the damn ball.

Well, I wrote a short little song about Matsui and how much I love him and wish he was still a Yankee. The song goes to the beat of  "Dead and Gone" by T.I. & Justin Timberlake, but the "rap" part doesn't fit all that well, but I don't give a shit. This is a work in progress but it is still awesome. 

 Godzilla's Gone

By Tayler Leigh

Oh, yeah this is a Matsui song

The Yankees won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone

And oh, the Yankees played Matsui wrong

And now they won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone….

And oh, yeah this is a Matsui song

The Yankees won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone

And oh, the Yankees played Matsui wrong

And now they won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone….

After 7 seasons why’d you have to let him go?

One forty one runs, bout six hundred batted in

He was the best designated hitter ever in the pros

MVP of the Yankees World Series win

First game in New York in two thousand three

He hit a grand slam in his first game

Best damn player that I ever did see

Now they traded, they persuaded

To go to LA, that’s where he’s headed

Career high seven runs in a game

Now everybody be screamin his name

He said he loved the Yankees the best

But in pin stripes he’ll no longer be dressed

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim bound

King of the Angels he will be crowned

And oh, yeah this is a Matsui song

The Yankees won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone

And oh, the Yankees played Matsui wrong

And now they won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone…

And oh, yeah this is a Matsui song

The Yankees won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone

And oh, the Yankees played Matsui wrong

And now they won’t be as strong

Now that Matsui’s gone

Godzilla’s gone…

I love you Hideki Matsui. The Yankees should've never let you go!

My Trip to Paris: The Eiffel Tower

Ahhhh the Eiffel Tower. What a splendid sight. No. I am not talking about the structure the Eiffel Tower, I am talking about the position in which 3 candidates come together in high five stance and form the magnificant Eiffel Tower.

I was watching a video of a band's live performance and at the end of the video, 2 of the band members seem to Eiffel Tower the third. I enjoyed that sight and was inspired to write a song about Eiffel Towering.

This song in no way is true, and the girl in the song is not me by any means. Its just general. Holla.

My Trip to Paris

By Tayler Leigh

 I’ve never been to Europe, I’ve never left the States

I’ve never done a lot of things that supposedly are great

I’m not a big risk taker or for trying the unknown

Just sticking with normalcy is what I have been prone

But something changed within me, it took me by surprise

So with my wholesome imagine I finally said my goodbyes

I’ve never been to the Colosseum

Or visited the Louvre Museum

The Leaning Tower of Pisa I’ve never seen

Or saw Big Ben or visited the Queen

The one place I did visit, I was there for an hour

That night I experienced the fateful Eiffel Tower

One night I got too drunk, at a bar somewhere downtown

I couldn’t help but notice all the hot guys around

After talking with two guys that seemed interested in me

They wanted to keep drinking and I couldn’t disagree

I was invited back to their place for some late night beers

Never could’ve imagined what was soon to happen here

I’ve never been to the Colosseum

Or visited the Louvre Museum

The Leaning Tower of Pisa I’ve never seen

Or saw Big Ben or visited the Queen

The one place I did visit, I was there for an hour

That night I experienced the fateful Eiffel Tower

We walk into their home and we had a drink or two

They both were getting close to me and at that moment I knew

Something was going down tonight, and I was more than willing

Like a lion on its prey, they both went straight in for the killing

I sure could not complain as this new experience occurred

I’ve never been so interested in playing with a third

I’ve never been to the Colosseum

Or visited the Louvre Museum

The Leaning Tower of Pisa I’ve never seen

Or saw Big Ben or visited the Queen

The one place I did visit, I was there for an hour

That night I experienced the fateful Eiffel Tower

So I drop on my knees and to my surprise

Next thing I know I’m surrounded by the guys

Pete in the front and Paul stands behind

In a matter of seconds the 3 of us are entwined

4 hands in the air they connect with such grace

A high five has evolved from this awkward embrace

This wasn’t expected but I guess it’s alright

That I went on an adventure to Paris tonight

I’ve never been to the Colosseum

Or visited the Louvre Museum

The Leaning Tower of Pisa I’ve never seen

Or saw Big Ben or visited the Queen

The one place I did visit, I was there for an hour

That night I experienced the fateful Eiffel Tower

GLORIOUS!! How fantastic of a song. If thats not a hit than I don't know what is! My friends and I enjoy reenacting the act of Eiffel Towering, so here are some pictures!! YAY

Dogs: When They Pee, They Pee.

Dogs. You either love them or you hate them. If you hate them, I think you're crazy.

How can you hate such precious creatures? So cute and loving and cuddley... They are just too adorable for words.

My roommates just recently got a 5 month old puppy. Its a mut that they adopted from the shelter. How nice. The dog is a PAIN IN THE ASS. She's scared of everyone and everything. She will hardly come up to anyone besides her two "owners" and if you try to pet her she runs away like the little bitch she is.

They have just recently started taking the pup to training classes, so she's getting a little bit better with the rest of the roommates but she still doesn't listen.

During the day at our house, 3 out of the 5 people are normally always gone. 2 work full time, 1 is still in school while myself and my roommate Jeff are home randomly throughout the day depending on our schedules, so during the day, Jeff and myself take care of the dog or just leave the dog outside to explore.

Today I went to the grocery store and when I came back the dog, (who's name is Paws by the way) was sitting at the door whining to come in. So I let the dog in and went along with my business. About 20 minutes after I put my groceries away and ate a nice lunch, I went back into the living room to get some strawberries.

I sit down on the couch and the dog immediately sticks her head up in interest and then gives me those puppy dog eyes saying she wants to be pet.

So I get up off the couch... Take about 2 steps towards Paws and BAM, I step, barefoot, into a large puddle of liquid. I immediately freak out since I know for a fact that I just stepped in dog piss. I put the dog outside and start to clean up this mess she made.

Now the dog peed, obviously. But this pile of piss was the size of a fucking Smart Car. I started to clean up the pile and I noticed that the pile strategically maneuvered its way underneith the entire couch. So it made me wonder... why the fuck did this dog pee so fucking much!? In the house none the less?!

So I clean the monster pile of piss, wash my hands, and then get in the bath tub to wash my feet of the piss mess. I then go outside to have a one on one talk with Paws to tell her that she is on my Shit List and is literally "In the Dog House." I was going to pet her until I realized the bitch dug a huge hole in the lawn. So I gave up and went inside to finish eating my strawberries.

This was the non-highlight of my day. Thanks Paws, you're the best!!

UPDATE: Paws is in more trouble. After peeing in the house and digging her first hole, I come to find out that she also shit in Jeff's room and decided to RE-DIG the same hole she dug yesterday after Jeff filled the hole in. Hope the hot sauce tastes good the next time you try to dig that damn hole. BAD DOG.

The Glorious Invention Of: The Air Vent

Air Vents. Ahh what a wonderful and useful invention indeed. Keeps ya cool on hot summer days and warms your butt up after walking 10 miles uphill in the snow.

Although air vents are quite a random topic of conversation, I wrote a song about my love for air vents. Eh not really. My friend Casey told me to write a "song" about the first thing I saw. I looked to my left and there it was, chillin on the ground in my bedroom: an Air Vent. The song is accurately pointless so in other words, its the best thing I've ever written. Kinda.

The Air Vent Song
By Tayler Leigh

A unique invention you are indeed
You blow out your air at lightning speed
Your metal slots and a turning wheel
Adjusts the amount of air I feel

You are an Air Vent, Air Vent, Air Vent
You propel your air as I pay each month's rent
You are an Air Vent, Air Vent, Air Vent
Blowing air is pretty much your extent

Life as an air vent must be pretty bland
You can’t even dance or take me by the hand
But that’s all okay because that’s your life
And you’ve accepted you’ll never have a wife

Unless you count that time on the street
When Marilyn Monroe and you did meet
You blew your air and with great success
And that gust of air blew up her dress
She wasn’t embarrassed, she didn’t quite mind
Because she knew that all air vents are blind

You are an Air Vent, Air Vent, Air VentIf you could speak you’d have a French accent
You are an Air Vent, Air Vent, Air Vent
Blowing air all day is how your life is spent

In those cold winter months you provide me with heat
If I stand on you, you gladly warm my feet
But on hot summer days when I’m in need of cool air
I walk inside the house and I know you’ll always be there

Since you are an air vent there is not much to say
If you are blowing in my eyes, I can turn you away
If my car smells bad, I can put an air freshener in you
And you can surround me with air and the smell of cool morning dew

You are an Air Vent, Air Vent, Air Vent
You would never breach our trust with fraudulent intent
You are an Air Vent, Air Vent, Air Vent
The invention of you was a legendary event

You are the air conditioner to my medical practitioner...
And the warmth of heat to my heart beat...

Some people don’t acknowledge
Especially in college
The great importance to us that you are...

When a person’s hot and sweaty
Out in the Serengeti,
Or freezing in the snow
When it is 10 below...

You always do present
The reason for your invent
The nice refreshing breeze from you
Mr. Air Vent

Wow. I must admit, this is the most amazing song ever written in the entire universe. If you want to buy this song from me, you can't. I will only sell the rights to this song to some person. If you can guess who it is, you win nothing. Get off me.

KNOCK KNOCK...

So when I get really bored (which is quite often), I write stupid nonsensical songs about... well, nothing. They are hardly ever serious and never have any music to them except for the inadequate beat in my head. Sometimes I'll put together a parody song of a hot song on the radio that I really dislike.
The "songs" I normally end up putting together for the most part will only 100% make sense to myself and my friends, but I find them fun to share anyway. So here's a "parody song" of Ke$ha's Tik Tok that I wrote called Knock Knock

Just a little inside info;

-Fanwood: The borough of the town I live in.

-Taylor ham egg & cheese: Best thing ever on a bagel.

-ROBO: Drinking game invented by my friends brother at Princeton which is VERY overly popular in my home town.
-This "song" was written about a night at my friend Meghan's house. It was a Jersey Shore themed party with a bunch of Kegs, a Gin Bucket, a ton of blacking out, and a "no pants party dance attack" on the floor.

Knock Knock

written by Tayler Leigh

Wake up in the morning feeling like I'm fiddy (cent)

Put my pants on, and a shirt and then I feed my kitty (meow)

Before I leave I eat a waffle and then brush my hair

Oops it seems I have forgotten my underwear!

I'm talking get into the car, car

Don't have to drive that far, far

Into the center of Fan-wooood

Bagel stoppin - For my favorite meal, meal

Taylor ham egg & cheese deal

Trying to get a good full meal....

Don't stop, got my glock

I'm the baddest on the block

Tonight Imma dance

Till I cannot find my pants

Knock Knock, door's unlocked

Do you wanna play some RO-BO

Ro ro ro Bo... Ro ro ro Bo

Don't stop, got my glock

I'm the baddest on the block

Tonight Imma dance

Till I cannot find my pants

Knock Knock, door's unlocked

Do you wanna play some RO-BO

Ro ro ro Bo... Ro ro ro Bo

Ain't got a care in the world, we got a couple of kegs

Shit, someone just vom-i-ted all over my legs

Now everything is all blurry and I'm blacking out

And I have not the slightest idea what you're talking about

I'm talking 'bout errybody on the floor, floor

All lookin' like we're whores, whores

It doesn't matter cause we're so hardcore, core

Now, now, we go till we all throw up, up

Or we puke and rally, yup yup

Puke and rally yup yup

Puke and rally yup

Don't stop, got my glock

I'm the baddest on the block

Tonight Imma dance

Till I cannot find my pants

Knock Knock, doors unlocked

Do you wanna play some RO-BO

Ro ro ro Bo... Ro ro ro Bo

Boy I want you now

Anyway you know how

All I gotta say is wow

Yeah you got me

Pants on the ground

You got me now

I give you the crown

Yeah you got me

Boy I want you now

Anyway you know how

All I gotta say is wow

Yeah you got me

Pull your pants up

And put your hands up

Put your hands up

NOW THE PARTY CAN START UP AGAIN ONCE I WALK IN

Don't stop, got my glock

I'm the baddest on the block

Tonight Imma dance

Till I cannot find my pants

Knock Knock, doors unlocked

Do you wanna play some RO-BO

Ro ro ro Bo... Ro ro ro Bo

The. End.

Rejoyce children. Hope you enjoyed it.

A women who showed true leadership : Miss Veronica Corningstone - Channel 4 News

During my Senior year in college at East Carolina University

I was taking a Management class where we had an assignment to write a 2 page paper about a person, real or fictional, who showed true leadership and managerial skills.

I chose Veronica Corningstone of the Channel 4 News Team from the movie Anchorman.

After writing about 3 sentances I asked my friend Casey, "Hmm how the fuck am I going to turn this 3 sentance masterpiece into a 2 page paper."

(Mind you I was drunk while writing this magnificant piece)

This is how my paper went:

"Veronica Corningstone: Channel 4 News Team

In the movie Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, there is one main female character who plays an important role throughout the movie. Her name is Veronica Corningstone. This movie takes place in an era where females were not acceptable to be on the news as an anchor, but Veronica had a very different idea. Her goal in this movie is to become the first successful female anchor for the most popular news team in the country. All her fellow co-workers do not accept her goal that she is striving for and they make fun of her for it, but she does not give up.

One day, the head Anchorman, Ron Burgundy was missing from the studio, due to his dog getting punted off the San Diego bridge by a disgruntled motorcyclist, and the news team was about to go LIVE on the air. Veronica stepped up to the challenge and took it upon herself to fill in for Ron Burgundy and read the news for the Channel 4 News Team. After finishing reading the news, the ratings on the news team had gone up because everybody enjoyed watching her read the news as the first female anchor to be live on the air. By Veronica taking the lead, she inspired many women to step up to the plate and strive to achieve their goals in a world run by the male race. She gave women the confidence to stand up for themselves and become more successful and get the respect they deserve.

I believe Veronica showed leadership and managerial roles in this movie by taking it upon herself to help the team when they were in need, even though it was not what she was comfortable doing. She helped the news team and the female race as a whole by leading the tredn to stand up for what you believe in and not give up on your goals if you truly want them to happen. You stay classy... PLANET EARTH. The End."

I know, you must be thinking, 'how could you turn in such a travesty for a college grade?'

Well, I was drunk and felt this paper was A+ material.

To my complete and utter surprise, when my teacher handed back our papers, I received an 86% on this masterpiece.

Bite me college. This is the way to cheat the system and graduate with a 3.4 GPA.

I win.